I am Not my Body

Well, here I am. I am sorry for being so out of touch for the past week. After some prayer and contemplation I decided to begin blogging once a week while I focus on writing my book and studying for the GREs. I was planning to blog weekly on Wednesdays, which would have been yesterday. However, I ended up in the hospital, where I’m writing to you now. “Heal with Rebecca” indeed!

While I have navigated psychological recovery very deeply, I haven’t had very extreme physical illnesses. The physical ailments I suffered from in my early twenties were, I believe, deeply related to my psychological and energetic state, and I was able to heal them with nutrition, meditation, and alternative healing modalities. Primarily, I used to have uterine and pelvic pain that a doctor told me may be endometriosis. Around that time I started studying Reiki in-depth and deep healing my childhood traumas, and the pain resolved quite quickly. Similarly, I’ve periodically had ocular migraines, which always come on when I’m feeling ungrounded and out of touch with myself. I am usually able to breathe these away with stillness and meditation. 

These kind of practices were radically transformative for me, having been raised in a very medical household where I had easy access to medicine and doctors. I’ve reached a beautiful midpoint between the two worlds, where I am able to appreciate the value of both. I have come to believe many if not most of my health issues had their roots in my spiritual state. At the same time, I’ve learned to see that western medicine is very useful and even beautiful when it is needed. I’m amazed when I think of the years of research that scientists and doctors have conducted while searching for cures for the most difficult illnesses.

That brings me to yesterday, when I ended up in the Emergency Room for spreading numbness in my limbs. Having developed a close relationship with my body over the years, this numbness really took me by surprise. I am used to being able to breathe, meditate, or use healing foods to help my sicknesses and ailments go away, and this was not doing that! The numbness began in my arm on Monday, spreading to my feet and my other arm by Wednesday. No pain, just numbness. Tingling, limbs falling asleep, numbness.

Of course, this is a strange feeling, and reading the internet and talking to doctors can make things seem quite dire. What if the numbness continues to spread? What if I do have a suspected Guillain-Barre Syndrome? Guillain-Barre can be extremely debilitating, possibly requiring a breathing machine as your nerves stop working and paralyze your whole body. Thankfully, it’s temporary, but imagining going through that process is terrifying. 

I came to some peaceful realizations that helped me a lot yesterday as I faced these fears. I was reminded that I have a body, I am not my body. That thought helped me a ton. I believe that my soul lives forever, so even if my body fails me or does some things that are unexpected, my soul is still just fine. I also remembered that God is in charge, and I did some strong, big prayers to God, Jesus, and the angels, and felt very held and loved. And of course, I reached out for prayers from family and friends. Hearing from friends and family thinking of me and praying for me helped me feel so much better.

We’ll see what happens over the next few days. I’ll keep you posted on the blog when I am able to. Maybe it will all resolve and I’ll be back at work on Monday, or maybe it’s a dire situation. Either way, I’m very grateful to have a caring medical staff here at the hospital, a loving God holding me, and the beautiful love of friends and family.